FBI Tweaks Anti-Bestiality Hiring Policy, Senate S***show Ensues
Originally published via Armageddon Prose:
If one is to be entrusted with a gun and a monopoly on the use of force and an intelligence clearance, the reasonable rule of thumb might be that one should not be permitted to harbor a fetish for sex with animals.
Thorny ethical and legal dilemmas of allowing bestiality under such circumstances abound: handing potential blackmail material for geopolitical adversaries over on a silver platter, serial animal rape under color of law, etc.
Most rational non-practitioners of bestiality could probably agree with such a standard.
(Islamic immigrant Cenk Uygur of The Young Turks, who is allowed to have American citizenship for some reason, doesn’t agree, but that might just be on account of his diverse background.)
Related: Air India Passenger Urinates on Woman in Business Class
Anyway, “no bestiality, full stop” was the cut-and-dried FBI policy until recently, when the agency decided to amend its ban on the practice to apply only to the perpetrators of bestiality, not the victims of bestiality.
Under questioning from his own political ally, Sen. John Kennedy, FBI Director Kash “Epstein Killed Himself, Trust Me Bro” Patel attempts to clarify that, while the perpetrators of sex crimes against animals are still deemed unqualified to serve with the world’s preeminent investigative body, the victims of sex crimes perpetrated by animals, at the behest of sex traffickers, which is apparently a real phenomenon, are no longer going to be automatically disqualified during the application screening process.
Being “forced into” bestiality is no longer disqualifying, to precisely quote the Director.
Director Patel might have been a little clearer in his explanation, but the gist was basically that having been raped by a dog or a horse or any species of non-human animal does not necessarily mean that you aren’t a good fit to serve God and Country in an FBI uniform.
Not under his watch.
One shudders to think that this all might be in the service of opening up more doors for Third World migrants with questionable personal histories of animal-love to welcome in as FBI agents in the future.
Still, one must consider the possibility.
Just from a practical perspective, several policy snags could foreseeably arise from the modified language — like, for instance, who’s to say what “forced to do it” actually means?
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A plausible scenario
The year is 2030.
You’re a migrant FBI agent on an H1B — all of your colleagues are H1B migrants now — on your way home from the bar after a few drinks.
Yes, it’s haram, but you and the boys just had a big score entrapping another local autistic pothead to agree to kidnap another Democrat governor in exchange for an ounce of kush despite lacking any feasible plan to pull it off, so you’re in the celebratory mood.
Allah forgives your indiscretion.
Anyway, stumbling home, minding your own business, one of your neighbor’s goats gives you the “fuck me” googly eyes.
She reminds you of a most special goat from your youth in Waziristan — the one that got away.
You feel a thrill up your leg, à la Chris Matthews whenever he watches Obama give a speech.
Your eyes had met in passing before for the most fleeting of moments, and shared a moment of secret unspoken passion between them, but you knew that your employer frowned upon bestiality.
It was forbidden love — never to be consummated, no matter how you pined to press up against her sweet goat flesh.
But now, in your altered state, in the dark of night, your better judgment takes a backseat to those passions that this goat stirs deep in your migrant loins.
Plus, you remember, you’ve already locked your wife in the shed for the night, as is your cultural custom that you imported from your homeland when a woman is menstruating because of its uncleanliness. So you’re not getting any action there.
And you have needs.
Related: Migrant Assaults ‘Severely’ Disabled Man in Mall Bathroom (With an Extra Sadistic Twist)
So, despite the FBI policy you know you’re flirting with violating, you slip over the gate for a midnight rendezvous with your concubine.
Maybe a busybody neighbor hears her wails of ecstasy in the night; maybe a Ring camera captures the encounter.
In any event, the deed is discovered and relayed to your H1B supervisor at the FBI.
An inquisition is made.
“Given my state of mind, though, could I even consent?” you plead your case.
That harlot — that Jezebel, that siren on the shores of Anthemoessa — knew exactly what she was doing.
The FBI can’t rightly interview the goat to get her side of the story because she can’t talk.
Who’s the victim and who’s the perpetrator in this tangled web we weave?
Who’s to say?
Benjamin Bartee, author of Broken English Teacher: Notes From Exile (now available in paperback), is an independent Bangkok-based American journalist with opposable thumbs.
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