Watch: Creepy Guy Trains Crows For Months To Attack MAGA Hats
A man styling himself "biz_dave" on Threads claims to have orchestrated what can only be described as the Resistance's most feather-brained gambit yet: training crows to pilfer red baseball caps in service of opposing President Donald Trump. Naturally, this has elevated him to something approaching sainthood among the online Resistance.
Dave claimed that the operation involved conditioning a murder of crows - a term that has never seemed more apt - to recognize a feeding station and subsequently engage in aerial larceny against red headwear. The sad man's admirers have dubbed the result an "anti-MAGA flying army," a phrase that does more to explain the current state of progressive activism than any think-piece possibly could, the Daily Star reports.
Dave has meticulously chronicled his ornithological jihad on Threads, offering videos, photographs, and a veritable field manual for those inspired to conscript their own backyard fauna into the culture wars. He began with the fundamentals of corvid care: "The crows will eat lots of things, but I recommend sticking to peanuts, chicken scraps, mealworms, and dog kibble." One pictures him at the grocery store, carefully selecting provisions for his feathered shock troops.
Dave confessed that the true obstacle was less philosophical than practical.
"Getting the crows to come regularly to the feeding place took the longest. That was about a 4-month endeavor," he claimed. Four months - roughly the length of time required to master a foreign language or complete a professional certification - devoted instead to establishing diplomatic relations with local scavengers. Following a reliable peanut subsidy and months of patient courtship, the birds apparently agreed to join the cause. "Once they were coming regularly, it was only about three months to get them to the hat removal stage," Dave said, according to the Daily Star.
As is customary with such internet crusades, the project eventually metastasized from quirky stunt into moral imperative. Dave solemnly declared his political awakening: "I tried to be centrist for a long time but I no longer believe that is a moral option." Centrism having been ruled out, training crows to harass strangers was evidently the next logical step.
Even Reddit - not typically a bastion of leftwing restraint - produced some skeptics.
"OK, so I love this for the people wearing those red hats, but this would absolutely not be good for the crows," one user noted.
Another observed: "I really don't like pulling wild animals into stupid human shit like this."
A third commenter offered a tactical suggestion with a certain elemental appeal: "Now train it to poop on the hat."
After attempting to jail and assassinate Trump, training crows is all the anti-MAGA crusaders have left.